My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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