The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
