i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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