I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
