Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
