So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
