I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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