i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
