The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
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So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
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I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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