woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Why is your signature on my underwear?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
