One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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