remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
