I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
