I need help removing her.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped