Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
