I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Send help, water and tortillas.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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