I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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