Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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