what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
