Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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