idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
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Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
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Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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