The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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