be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
