maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
