the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
