I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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