shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
