alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
