Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
