Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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