We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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