Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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