i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
