No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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