i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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