Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I am midnight drunk by noon
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
