just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.