dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
