My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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