There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
