So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
