I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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