Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
