my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
