and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
