I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
