you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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