PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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