Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I see more hoeing in ur future
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