I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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