when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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