Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
