3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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