Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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