Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
