There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
