just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
