Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
