Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
