got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
you are never too drunk for berry picking
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
